TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of place. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let us have A further spot wherever American Adult males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really stop employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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